The Book of Benedict, Chapter 1
CHAPTER THE FIRST
1. In those days , the High Priest John-Paul, grew old in years and dim of eye and weak of limb and was gathered unto his fathers and was buried with the other great High Priests under the Great Dome.
2. And some called him Great. Though others sayeth the jury is out.
3. And when he was laid in the earth, the words were spoken by Joseph, who was wise and had served in the House of the LORD as a faithful servant of John-Paul
4. And there gathered there the High Priests who were dressed in their scarlet, to cast lots to choose a new High Priest
5. And all the nations of the earth gathered outside the Tent of Meeting to see the smoke, which was of black or of white to signal the beginning of the Office of the Great High Priest
6. And there were many who spake day and night giving their thoughts and meditations on who the lot might fall to
7. There were scribes of the daily scrolls who wrote and heralds of the air who spake amongst themselves saying “Who shall it be?”.
8. And they spake unto the Bee-Bee-Cee and the Cee-En-En and even to the heralds of the Fox, that is of Rupert the Australian.
9. And many of them were foolish men who said unto themselves and to each other and all who would listen “Give us a High Priest who is like unto us! Who will not gainsay those who would lie with a man as with a woman.”
10. And others said “Give us one who will permit us our dancing at the altar, like as though we were at the Dis-Co and the music with the strumming of the guitars of the acoustic and the electric type. For we do not want to pray as our fathers prayed, for they are dead.”
11. And others who said “Give us one who will not be so harsh with adulterers and fornicators – for we have had too much of judgements and we are a bit fed up with it.”
12. “And give us women at the altar. For we do not know what to say to them that come to our tables and eat of the shavings of the Parmesan with the bitter herbs and the vinegar that is balsamic and talk of the Lady Vicars. For the Spirit of the Council is upon us and we are drunk with it.”
13. “And speak not too much of the LORD. For it is embarrassing to them that have not the LORD and are of the Dawkinsites, sons and daughters of the Counter-of-Chickens. And we are discomforted talking of it at our tables of granite and scrubbed pine.”
14. And in their midst was Robert who is known as Bobbie, of the tribe of Mickens. And he lifted up his voice to the scribes and the heralds of the Bee-Bee-Cee
15. And he said unto them “Verily I say unto ye, it shall be Carlo of the tribe of Martini, for he is a man filled with Spirit of the Council.’
16. “And he will not do too much speech about the LORD. And he will care not where falls our seed. And he will see the daughters of Eve come unto the altars of the LORD, yea and dance there.”
17. “Or the lot may fall to Godfried of the tribe of Daneels of the Lands that are Low. For he has given us the bread of sacrifice even into our hands and not placed it on our tongues as in the days of our Fathers, who were wrong.”
18. “But let it not be Joseph the Bavarian. For he is too harsh and weighs us down with his words. For he sayeth all the time ‘THIS is the Word of the LORD’. And we know it is, but it appealeth not to our friends that are in Is-Ling-Ton.”
19. For Bobbie, who was Robert of the tribe of the Mickens was filled with the Spirit of the Council and he was a fool, for the Spirit of the Council is not the Spirit of the LORD.
20. And the lots fell and the LORD chose Joseph the Bavarian but whose name was thereafter to be Ben-e-dict, for he was Blessed of the LORD, with Wisdom and Good Counsel.
21. And when he heard the great bells and saw the smoke and heard the name “Joseph” Bobbie cried bitter tears and he raged and gnashed his teeth to the Bee-Bee-Cee and to the scroll that is of The Guardian and in the scroll of the Tablet that is the Pilule and to all who would listen:
22. “Hear me. For I have read the scrolls of Leornardo who is called Boff and Hans who is of the tribe of Kung and Anthony who is also called de Mello, who were filled with the Spirit of the Council and I know wisdom which is unknown to this Joseph.”
23. But the people laughed: “Who is this jackass who brays when he does not get his way and who cries in the street like a babe because of the falling of the lots. Away with you, for you are a fool!”
24. And the LORD was with Joseph who is also hereafter Ben-e-dict and he grew in wisdom, and favoured not the scroll of the Tablet which is also called the Pilule
25. And there was weeping at the tables of scrubbed pine of Is-Ling-Ton where they drank of the Merlot of the Chileans for they were sad of heart
26. And they would not be comforted, even with the bread of Ciabatta for even this was now bitter to them.