Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Rocky Horror: The Rite of Reception of a former Prime Minister


Gathering Song

He who would a Catholic seem, ’gainst Guardianistas,
Let him see Michael Seed –he stays in Westminster
There’s no discouragement shall make him once relent
His first avowed intent to seem a Catholic

Who so beset him round with dismal spinning
Good job pro-lifers die –like Cardinal Winning
No foes shall stay his might; though he with Gordon fight,
He will make good his right to seem a Catholic.

Tony dost play tennis with Alistair Campbell,
Thought the old religious thing, a bit of a gamble,
Pol Toynbee flees away! I don’t read her anyway,
Tone labours night and day to seem a Catholic.







Cherie steps up to the lectern. She does not bow to the presiding prelate.



Reading from the Letter of St Tony to the Labourites

"Y'know - I'm a pretty straight kinda guy. I have only three policies:
re-education,
re-education,
re-education.
Re-education until you accept gay marriage;
Re-education until you accept gay adoption;
Re-education until you accept an EU constitution devoid of reference to Christianity;
Re-education until you accept your place in the Caliphate;
Re-education until you realise what a wonderful, pure, innocent government you have.
Onwards and upwards"

This is the word of Tony

All: Thanks heavens for that!


Renewal of Baptismal Vows

CMOC:Do you renounce Satan?
TB: I don't, like, really 'do' the Satan thing, y'know, horns and tail and stuff, so not much to renounce there.

CMOC:And all his works?
TB: I refer the Eminent cardinal to my last answer

CMOC:And all his pomps?
TB: I refer the Eminent cardinal to my last answer

CMOC: Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth?
TB: Well OK, in a benign warm togetherness kinda way, not a big guy with a beard in the sky, right?

CMOC:Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father?
TB: Jesus? What a great guy. Virgin births? I'll pass on that one. Resurrection - well, we've all come back from the dead in politics.Ha ha.....Ahem.

CMOC: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting?
TB: Spirit in the Sky, wow! Love the Catholic thing, yeah. Communion - already had it mate - though Basil wasn't too happy about it. Forgiveness - great, yeah. Resurrection - see above. Life everlasting - do I look like I'm dying soon?

CMOC: God, the all-powerful Father of our Lord Jesus Christ has given us a new birth by water and the Holy Spirit, and forgiven all our sins. May he also keep us faithful to our Lord Jesus Christ for ever and ever.

TB: Yeah. Right.

CMOC (looks nervous): Repeat after me:

I believe and profess all that the holy Catholic Church believes, teaches, and proclaims to be revealed by God.

TB (looks brass-necked):Well, OK. Insofar as women have a right to any kinda life choices and gay-lesbian-transgender folk can adopt and marry and stuff, yeah , that's kinda OK, but don't lay it on so thick. I'd just kinda like to go Maaaaaassss in Tuscany and have communion. So I don't feel left out.

Confirmation

Here the sponsor comes forward. It may be Bernie Ecclestone or the Hinduja Brothers or Rupert Murdoch. If Bernie Ecclestone, he will need a box to stand on. The sponsor places a hand on TBs left shoulder.

CMOC: Former PM, what name do you take
Sponsor: This is TB. He takes the name [it may be Rupert or George W or Augustus Imperator or Bono or Elvis or anything else the former PM fancies]

The Cardinal anoints the former PM with Chrism. This should be first cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil, organically grown in the Tuscan hills.

CMOC: [Rupert/George W/Augustus Imperator/Bono/Elvis] be sealed with the Holy Spirit
TB: Whatever.

Concluding Rite:
CMOC: Go in peace to love and serve the Party
All: Thanks be to Tony!

TB straps on his stratocaster

Concluding 'Hymn '
Cherie
He's got the whole world in his hands
He's got the whole wide world in his hands
He's got the whole world in his hands
He's got the whole world in his hands
Tony
I had the British electorate in my hands
I had the British electorate in my hands
I had the British electorate in my hands
I had those dumb saps in my hands

I've got the Catholic Church in my hands
I've got the Catholic Church in my hands
I've got the Catholic Church in my hands
I've got the left footers in my hands
Cherie
He's got the Middle East in his hands
He's got the Camel Jockeys in his hands
He's got the Middle East in his hands
He's got the Arabs in his hands
Tony
I've got the £1M book deal in my hands
I've got the £1M book deal in my hands
I've got the £1M book deal in my hands
I've got a wad of cash in my hands

Greeting of the Gentlemen of the Press

TB and Cherie will emerge quietly and with a minimum of fuss to the assembled press corps (ca 200 journalists and photographers) and announce TBs support for women and gay priests and bishops, abortion to term, artificial contraception and his own desire to stand for Pope at the next Conclave.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Michael Clifton said...

I have not laughed so much in years. Are you perhaps aiming for a job with Private Eye. You could do a version of St Albion with Gorgon Broon as Vicar. They seem tohave dropped that item since Rev A.R.P Blair left as Vicar. Jesus called him to go and the choir sang their final hymn "O what a friend we have in Jesus"

10:19 AM  
Blogger Paulinus said...

As you have guessed, Father, my 'humour' such as it is, is puerile and derivative.

10:23 AM  
Blogger roydosan said...

Amusing - not sure if I approve of referring to the British electorate as 'those dumb saps' though.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Paulinus said...

Being a member of saidelectorate it's self-criticism. Collective responsibility and all that...

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Wessex said...

Bravo! You have to live in England to fully appreciate the satire and possibly understand the Westminster set. A lot of trads lack a sense of humour.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Paulinus said...

I live in Scotland, actually. but I am an englishman ;-)

11:44 PM  
Blogger Tyson said...

That was funny. Though there are some things I didn't quite get...

1:19 PM  

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