I take this to be the next logical step in the C of E's "progress" (cf Fr Ray
and The Canmore Kids
Gene Robinson (for it is he): Peace be with you all!
Congregation: Oooooooooh! Hallo Bishop Gene! How bona to vada your dolly old eke! Troll in!
“Bishop” Gene: Hi there! It’s a pleasure to be here at St Julian the Apostate’s for this special service to solemnize (in a progressive way) this civil partnership between our canine friends, Fido and Buster
Womynpriest (for it is she): Gimme a hug!
“Bishop” Gene, the womynpriest and the deaconess have a big long hug
“Bishop” Gene: Since this is wedding, I thought we’d be all trad. I’ve put on my nicest vestments and we’re going to do it properly, using an adaptation (by myself and a young “friend”, Mr Tatchell) of the1662 Service.
Congregation: Oooh! Hark at her!At the day and time appointed for solemnization of the Civil Partnership, the doggies shall come into the body of the Church with their friends and Significant Others: and there standing together, a doggie on the right hand, and the other doggie on the left, the “Bishop” shall say,
beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God (or whoever), and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Dog and this other doggie in holy Civil Partnership; which is an honourable estate, instituted of Tony Blair in the time of man's innocency (as if!), signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt the Tony and the Realm; which holy estate… etc etc – hey you know the rest, you’ve seen “Four Weddings and a Funeral”
“Bishop” Gene: First
, It was ordained for the procreation of little puppy dogs.
“Bishop” Gene: Secondly
, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication (I think we’ll draw a discrete veil over that, folks!)
Congregation: We don’t want to be judgemental.
“Bishop” Gene: Thirdly
, It was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Hey! We’ve all been there. It’s like the song says:“There may be trouble ahead
But while there’s music and moonlight and love and romance….”
Congregation: We know the rest, SweetieAnd also, speaking unto the doggies that shall be joined, he shall say,I REQUIRE
and charge you both, as ye will answer at the dreadful day of judgement when the secrets of all hearts shall be disclosed (or whatever) that if either of you know any impediment, why ye may not be lawfully joined together in a Civil Partnership, ye do now confess it. For be ye well assured, that so many as are coupled together otherwise than Tony Blair’s Word doth allow are not joined together by Tony; neither is their Civil Partnership lawful. So there!If no impediment be alleged, then shall the Curate say unto the doggie,
thou have this doggie to thy civil partner, to live together in a progressive kinda way? Wilt thou love him, comfort him, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other unless the mood takes you otherwise, keep thee only unto him, until that fateful trip to the vet?The Dog shall answer,
Woof!.Then shall Gene say unto the other doggie,
thou have this doggie to thy civil partner, to live together in a progressive kinda way? Wilt thou love him, comfort him, honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other unless the mood takes you otherwise, keep thee only unto him, until that fateful trip to the vet?The other doggie shall answer,
Woof!.Then shall the Genester say,
Who giveth this doggie to be in a civil partnership with this other doggie?
Julian Clary: I do!Then shall they again loose their paws; and the doggie shall give unto the other doggie a collar (but not in a possessive sort of way), laying the same upon the book (Honest to God, by John Robinson) with the accustomed duty to the(Womyn) Priest and Clerk. And the Bishop Gene, taking the collar, shall deliver it unto the doggie, to put it round his neck. And Julian Clary holding the collar there, and taught by the Gene, shall say,
this collar I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the name of whichever concept of the Divine you understand. Amen.
Then shall the GenieBoy join their paws together, and say,
Those whom the State hath joined together let no man put asunder. (Unless and until they have irreconcilable differences or meet someone more in tune with their value system at that time.)
“Bishop” Gene: You may now slobber all over your partner
Congregation: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!Then shall the Boy Gene speak unto the people.FORASMUCH
as Fido and Buster. have consented together in a same-sex civil partnership, and have witnessed the same before the God-shaped space in our loves and this company, and thereto have given and pledged their troth either to other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving of a collar, and by joining of paws; I pronounce that they be doggie and doggie together, in a same-sex, truly Episopalian/newLabour progressive union, that we all wish to cherish and celebrate as part of an inclusive and diversity-recognising thingy.
“Bishop” Gene: Let us pray
Congregation: Do you have to bring God into everything?
“Bishop” Gene: It’s my job, ducky!And GeneGenie shall add this Blessing.
The Spirit in the Sky, bless, preserve, and keep you; mercifully with his favour look upon you; and so fill you with all spiritual benediction and grace, that ye may so live together in this life, that in the world to come ye may have a place in the heavenly kennels. Amen.There may now be some appropriate music: “Hound Dog”, “Who Let The Dogs Out?” or “ How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?”There will follow a party at a fashionable nightclub with much disco dancing and partaking of Class A, B and C drugs.