Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Rocky Horror Rite of Appeasement of Offended Muslims

Womnypriest (for it she): Allahu akbar! and welcome to St Julian the Apostate’s (shortly to be renamed the Sheikh Omar Bakri Mohammed Multifaith Centre) for this special service (in the light of recent events) to apologise to our brothers in the Muslim community for our very existence. We welcome especially, our local Imam - Dr Abdul Bari Saladinthefridge

A man in Arab robes with Ray-Ban shades, several large bodyguards and a loudhailer steps forward.

Womnypriest: Salaam aleikum!
Mullah: Asaleikum salaam, you filthy witch of Satan.

Womnypriest: errrrrrrrrr…..riiight. Thank you.
Deaconness: Now for our first worship song:

Allah! Allah!
Allah in the morning, Allah in the noontime
Allah! Allah!
Allah when the sun goes down

Jihad! Jihad!
Jihad in the morning, jihad in the noontime
Jihad! Jihad!
Jihad when the sun goes down



The Reproaches

Womynpriest: We acknowledge that we have caused offence. We are not quite sure what for but it is clear our Muslim friends are offended about something or other.
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad

Womynpriest: We acknowledge that horrible Nazi kraut (not that I’m xenophobic or anything) Ratzinger has been really culturally insensitive in calling the Religion of Peace a bit prone to errr ….non-peaceful situations and stuff.
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad

Womynpriest: We acknowledge that we live in a Little Satan, the poodle of the Great Satan, and we have done wicked things to every Muslim, everywhere, all the time.
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad

Womynpriest: The Middle East – what can I say? It’s ALL OUR FAULT AND WE ARE VERY, VERY SORRY!
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad

Womynpriest: We acknowledge that we are all Crusaders in thrall to George W Bush, the Chief Satan and that everything we have done has been against the words of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad

Womynpriest: We acknowledge that we should live under Shariah Law applicable to everyone here in the United Kingdom. Hey – it’s for OUR OWN GOOD.
Congregation: We have been bad
Mullah: Yes, you have been very bad


The Stoning of the Communion Table

A picture of Pope Benedict will now be placed upon the communion table-altar-thingy (from which the abstract sculpture – a piece of filthy idolatry - has been removed). The congregation will now circle the table throwing rocks at the picture of the Pope (stones previously used in the Creative Liturgy will do fine for this). The congregation will try their best not to trample each other to death.

As the people move round they may sing the following worship song by St Bob of Dylan:

Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned.

Copyright © 1966; renewed 1994 Dwarf Music

The Collection of the Jizya

Womynpriest: As dhimmis we need to support the Ummah in its charitable endeavours. A collection will be taken. Please give generously (about 80% of your weekly wage should suffice). This money will go to worthy projects such as the provision of madrassas in Waziristan, the supply of rope for Shariah-related purposes in Iran, the purchase of (purely defensive) Kassam rockets by our Hizbollah brethren in Lebanon, or pensions for families of desperate young people driven to self-combustion on the Underground.

A collection is now taken by the burly bodyguards. Give generously. We know where you live.

The Donning of The Burqa

Womynpriest and deaconess: As womyn we need to be liberated from the filthy capitalist Western habits of wearing clothes which inflame the passions of men (such as the trouser suits so beloved of Sr Joan Chittester – peace be upon her). As feminists we see the burqa as liberating for us – a piece of personal space in which we can live and be ourselves.

Mullah: Get on with it, witch.

The womynpriest and deaconess put on their rather fetching burqas.

Congregation: Yeah! Right on sisters!

The Call to Prayer

At this point, some of Dr Saladinthefridge’s associates will join the remaining members of the congregation. These will be young men with their faces covered by kaffiyehs – do not be afraid, they are peaceloving people. The lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and female members of the congregation will be removed for some catechesis.
(The Womynpriest and the Deaconess will be led away to an adjoining room for 100 lashes for being out of the house unaccompanied by an adult male relative. Their muffled cries are unlikely to be heard above the shouting – see below)

For the next few hours, Dr Saladinthefridge will lead the congregation in a worship chant:

Mullah: Allahu akbar!
Congregation: Allahu akbar!
Mullah: Death to America!
Congregation: Death to America!
Mullah: Death to Israel!
Congregation: Death to Israel!
Mullah: Death to Britain!
Congregation: Steady on!
Mullah: DEATH TO BRITAIN!
Congregation: OK, OK Death to Britain!
Mullah: Death to George Bush!
Congregation: Absolutely!
Mullah: Death to Tony Blair!
Congregation: Ditto!
Mullah: Death to Graham Norton!
Congregation: Eh?!

Etc etc for the next few hours

Israeli flags, Crosses of St George, Union flags, Stars and Stripes, effigies of the Pope or churches may be burned at any point.

7 Comments:

Anonymous salad and fruit cake said...

you are are awful but I like you!!

2:19 PM  
Blogger Brituncula said...

They could sing the Roman chorus from Elgar's Caractacus: "Death! Slay the Britons!"

5:51 PM  
Anonymous religion of pieces said...

Ten thousand fatwas for singing this:

http://islamcomicbook.com/lyrics1.htm

9:15 PM  
Anonymous religion of pieces said...

Ten thousand fatwas for singing this:

http://islamcomicbook.com/lyrics1.htm

9:15 PM  
Blogger Joee Blogs said...

Great to read that your make believe parish is progressing with the times! I totally love your liturgically mad parish of St Bakri al mohammed!

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NOT FOR PUBLICATION
I have just had an email from a friend on the inside of the BBC, about Panorama on Sunday evening, which made some serious allegations about Pope Benedict, amongst my congregation people seem to believe what was said.

"There were 11 comments, 8 of which were along the lines of 'disgraceful
and offensive' and 3 of which were along the lines of 'wonderful and
marvellous'.
I guess that's a pretty average number of phonecalls for Panorama - but
the comments were fairly detailed, rather that just being 'Unhappy' as
usual. "

Complaints are taken very seriously, the BBC reckon that they represent 100,000 people who are very concerned but haven't bothered to write, email or phone so if you were thinking about it why not do it, back up the Bishops.
The email address is:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/

Fr Raymond Blake
rlblake@tiscali.co.uk

12:17 PM  
Blogger Agellius said...

Very funny!

6:39 PM  

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